At the moment, this is a good thing. I had basically decided that I didn't want to do it. Or that I'd have a harder time if I was accepted. Karmic ball is out of my court.
In a while, however, I'll probably this as another log in the depression fire. I'm sure I can fight this along with the rest. Just have to have the right frame of reference.
At the moment I objectively view it as similar to my MIT application. Yes, I am yet another one of the people at CMU cause they couldn't get into MIT. But I knew I wouldn't.
At my MIT interview, I explicitly told the alum that I probably would not go to MIT if I got in. And I meant it: MIT is a 20 minute (or less) drive from my parents' (old) house. Why did I bother applying?
Because part of me really wanted to go. Because its MIT, and I had friends there, and I knew the place. That the people were wired in that different way like I was. And it was a challenge. But my mood kept shifting on it, so at the interview, I sabotaged myself. And now I have to wonder, and will possibly perpetually wonder: did I sabotage this interview as well?
I was in pretty heavy rotations around the NYCTF thing throughout the entire process. I've remarked that just the interview experience alone was worth the price of admission. I meant the effort of writing the cover letter and sending in the application, getting invited, figuring out how to get to NYC. But now I have to speculate about what choices I made on going to the interview without preparation -- and without lying at any point in the interview.
I stayed honest with the mood I was in, rather than "selling" myself. I was honest when asked "why, with such an attractive resume, do you want to teach public school?".
So now I am opportunity poor but somewhat more karmically rich. Because I might have done it, and I've spent months considering whether I would be good at teaching. I probably would be, and I will probably teach at somepoint in the future. But I wonder if I should teach Chemistry.
Probably not. I barely remember any of it.